Verbal Napalm #3

It’s been a while since I actually wrote something rather than post a funny video from YouTube. Writing time has evaded me since I started the new gig at First5LA and recently, I’ve found myself to be too busy and thusly, too tired to do much outside of watch the Sopranos and kill things on the internets. As of this very moment (9/14 2:40PM), I’m beat. I did have a great lunch with my girlfriend, and of course, my heart wishes I had went home with her instead of returning to the office. Awww. I know.

My girlfriend will rent me out for $300 an hour, ladies. I’m worth almost every penny. Ask her.

Now that I can’t rely on YouTube for this entry, what shall we discuss? Politics, especially recent political stories, will cause sadness and anger. I don’t feel like talking about movies right now, either, as all I’ve been watching is that HBO show about New Jersey mafia peoples. There’s nothing worth talking about in the world of music, because current music is like a number two pencil in the ear. Television blows.

Sportswise, the New England Patriots got into trouble for cheating – they were using a videocamera to spy on the other team’s locker room during shower time. $500,000 fine to the “head” coach and they can’t pick from the draft next year or something. Idiots.

I’m geekily awaiting the arrival of some videogames in the next few weeks. One of which has been in the works for eight years or so. Goddamn is right.

Apple decided to release a new version of the iPod, making my version as important as used staple. I also came to the realization that video on my iPod is f*cking pointless. My arms get tired from holding the thing close enough for me to see it… or my neck gets sore from leaning forward. The new iPod has a touch screen, which means you can buy a protective cover for it… Apple is officially a stupid company to me. Stupids.

I think I’m going to make this entry all about rants. Here we go…

[Jerry Seinfeld intro] Children of celebrities. Whhhooo arreee these people? Why do we care? Jerry Seinfeld isn’t that funny, so forgive that last part. But let’s talk about Dannilynn, that little girl that Anna Nicole gave birth to before Anna Nicole took the pharmaceutical bus to Neverland. This child recently had a birthday for her first year alive, that was more elaborate and “happening” than any birthday I’ve ever had. And her birthday was treated, by the entertainment media, as a real event.

What a bunch of unfiltered bull*hit.

First, who is she? She’s the embattled daughter of a drug abusing nitwit blonde. Look, I’m not saying Anna Nicole was a bad person. I’m just saying she’s not a pillar of society. And her child… has no business being in the limelight.

Second, why is a one-year-old experiencing a huge party? Why? She’s not going to remember it. Her mind hasn’t grown enough for her to comprehend not sh*tting herself, let alone what a gift means. Or what a party is. Or what an open bar is. She’s done NOTHING in her life to DESERVE a huge party. Nothing. The entire event was a crime against society. A selfish crime for which the only punishment is beating with yard sticks and frying pans.

I don’t understand why parents throw these expensive shindigs for young children who have no idea what is going on. Well, I do understand. They throw the parties for themselves. Stupid ass parents with too much money and very little understanding of the world around them… procreating.

Why not spend that money and time on someone who has done something for society. Not someone who fills up a diaper (yes, I mean you Jerry Lewis!).

Since we’re discussing celebrities, this whole Kanye West vs. 50 Cent album selling war is about as interesting as a bowel movement. It’s all marketing. Here’s the story, their albums came out on the same day (as if that wasn’t planned) and 50 Cent (Hack #1) said that if Kanye West (Hack #2) outsells him, he’s going to retire (as if that wasn’t planned either). Who cares?! We’re just going to on the internets and download their sh*tty albums on a Torrent site or eMule or something illegal.

Let me give both marketing teams some advice – come up with a promotion that means something. Here’s how you do it: Kanye West and 50 Cent are going to release both hacky albums on the same day. Whoever is outsold, kills themselves. Now we’re talking about fan participation. If I knew that either Kanye West or 50 Cent were going to shoot themselves if they didn’t sell any records, I may buy an album.

I’d call it DeathDuel 2007!

Speaking of death, that Britney Spears is one hell of a whack job. I dance better than she does after a weekend gin and Windex bender. People accused her of being fat. I didn’t think she was fat. She’s not fat at all. She’s just a mess.

Since I’m giving advice to marketing idiots and publicists, here’s my advice to the stressed publicist for Britney Spears: hold a press conference and announce Britney is mentally ill. Or possibly, mentally retarded. Say goodbye to all the judgmental celebrity magazines and television shows critiquing her parenting skills and looks. NO ONE… and I mean NO ONE… can make fun of the retarded. NO ONE. It’s mean.

Stephon Marbury of the New York Knicks is retarded and no one makes fun him. It’s not nice. That retard can play some basketball, man.

I’d put together some funny pictures with hilarious captions but I’ve been writing for 10 minutes and I’m exhausted.

My parents are going to adopt a friend of mine and his wife because his parents are turning out to be bad Jews.

Speaking of which, Jerry Lewis hasn’t been funny in about 40 years. His telethon is amusing, only because the kids he’s helping have more talent than he does. What a ignoble, train wreck that guy is.

Kathy Griffin apparently offended Christians the other day when she mocked the acceptance speeches where award winners thank Jesus. She told Jesus to “suck it.” Now the Catholic League has their rosaries wedged up their sanctimonious asses. Anything to forget the fact you had priests raping children and that you had to pay out several hundred million to make that disappear I guess.

Catholics and Christians… get over yourselves. Jesus wasn’t offended. He told me so after he promised me that he’d kill Kanye West. Jesus Ortega is a great guy. Whips up the best goddamn carne asada burrito you’ve ever had. Goddamn.

And O.J. Simpson apparently held up some guy for sports memorabilia. There’s no real effective response to that… so I’m going to wish it was 5 o’clock.